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Я думаю, что диалог между мужчиной и женщиной удастся еще не скоро. Основная загвоздка в том, что они читают наши мысли, а мы не думаем ничего такого, что было бы им приятно.
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Я боялся, что уже никогда не полюблю, теперь боюсь, что влюбился навсегда. В девушку, которую ещё даже не поцеловал!
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Ты самое значительное событие с тех пор, как нога человека не ступает больше на Луну. Ты не позволила мне не полюбить тебя. Я просто не мог поступить иначе. Ты не дала мне пройти мимо. Любовь — это когда чувствуешь, что прозевать кого-то значит прозевать свою жизнь. Любовь — это когда перестаеш
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Карьера писателяВ 30 лет ты «блестящий».
В 40 лет ты «талантливый».
В 50 лет ты «гениальный».
В 60 лет ты «б. у.».
В 70 лет про тебя говорят: «А что, он еще жив?»
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Лучше жить с психопаткой, которая разобьет тебе сердце, чем сидеть дома и ругаться на телевизор.
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Когда спишь с женщинами налево и направо, они сливаются в одну. И она просто меняет имя, кожу, рожу, рост и голос. Длина волос, объем груди, степень эпиляции лобка и цвет белья варьируются от случая к случаю. Но ты повторяешь ей заученные фразы, делаешь одни и те ж
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Изменять глазами — самый приятный способ хранить верность.
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Дамы и барышни, дорогие читательницы, если у вас есть женатый любовник, сжальтесь над его женой, не душитесь хмельными пахучими духами. К черту «Коко», «Пуазон», «Обсессьон» и, главное, никакого «Раша». Будьте милосердны. Заранее благодарен вам за тех и за других.
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Как же мне одиноко в этой семье, которая каждую минуту напоминает мне о том, что я не создал своей.
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Влюблённый бабник — это сердцеед, ставший жертвой душегуба.
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Что мне кажется самым сексуальным в женщине? Её возраст, если ей 18 лет.
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Лучшее средство избавиться от хорошенькой девицы — это переспать с ней.
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Вести дневник — это значит постановить, что жизнь твоя страшно увлекательна.
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Мы не без удовольствия следим за собственным распадом.
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Я мечтаю о вышедших из моды чувствах, а тут — играй гормон.
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Любовь похожа на американские горки: сначала вверх, потом вдруг вниз, и снова вверх, и снова вниз, а в конце блюешь прямо на себя!
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Проблема в том, что стоит мне напиться, как я влюбляюсь.
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Почему мне так хочется, чтобы меня любили? Потому что Бога нет. Если бы я в Него верил, его любви мне, может быть, хватило бы.
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Мне ужасно нравится имя малайзийского главы государства: Салахуддин Абдул Азиз Шах ибни Аль-Мархум Султан Хизамуддин Алам Шах. «Привет, как тебя зовут?» Он, должно быть, нечасто снимает баб на дискотеках.
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Американцы говорят: «Nice to meet you». Я должен был бы сказать ей: «Sad to leave you».
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Любовь влияет на погоду. На улице дождик, вы маетесь, просматривая записную книжку в своем мобильнике. Наконец, доходите до фамилии женщины, о которой думали, и — оп! — нажимаете на зеленую кнопку и оставляете ей сообщение: «Я сидел и думал о тебе»qu
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Я буду ждать тебя всю жизнь с условием, что ты поторопишься мне перезвонить.
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Я-то думал, что мир подарен мне от рождения! Мир не дарится — мир покупается.
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Мужики всегда находятся между бывшей и будущей, ибо настоящее их не занимает. Им лучше сновать от ностальгии к надежде, от утраты к мечте. Мы вечно зажаты между двумя отсутствующими дамами.
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Американцы говорят «take care» направо и налево, но мне кажется, что это интимнее, чем «I love you».
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Ищу повода поплакаться, но не нахожу. Что само по себе уже повод.
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Лучше, чтобы тебя продинамили, чем не иметь никого, кто мог бы тебя продинамить.
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Моя жизнь — это роман, основанный на реальных фактах.
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Я говорю:- Всякая женщина лучше одиночества.
А он вторит:
— Всякая женщина лучше моей жены.
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Не бывает мужей верных и неверных. Мужья подразделяются на две категории: одни изменяют женам тайно, другие явно. Судите сами, кто аморальнее: тот, кто предает вас исподтишка, или тот, кто выкладывает все начистоту?
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Сегодня меня занимает моя следующая женщина. Поэтому я их часто меняю: ищу не очередную, а самую последнюю. Я знаю, что где-то меня уже ждет та, с которой я пока не знаком.
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Нашел способ тискать сиськи задарма: достаточно заявить, что они искусственные. Тетки до смерти обижаются, вмиг задирают футболки и просят пощупать и убедиться. Не сдавайтесь сразу, будьте профи. Скажите:
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Я бы хотел разнообразить свою деятельность настолько, чтобы народ решил, что у меня есть тезка. Моя шизофрения – следствие не дилетантства, а мечты о вездесущности.
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А ведь я ищу не счастья, а всего лишь гармонии с пунктирами экстазов.
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Женщины стараются превратить своих любовников в мужей, а это все равно что кастрировать их. Но и мужчины не лучше: из любовниц они делают домработниц, из женщин-вамп – матерей семейства.
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Чем сильнее напьёшься, тем более неотразимым себя ощущаешь, и тем менее таковым являешься.
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Говорят, не стоит возвращаться в места своего детства — очень уж они уменьшаются в размерах.
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Глядя на подрастающее поколение, я чувствую гордость: мы были не самыми жесткими у*банами, прогресс не стоит на месте.
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Ложь романична (роман — это искусство не говорить правды, отвергать тиранию откровенности, шантаж искренности, диктатуру достоверности), а Правда романтична ( что может быть поэтичнее и лиричнее откровенности, какое неистовое требуется мужество для того, чтобы просто сказать, что вы
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Любовь — это когда выдумываешь человека до того, как знакомишься с ним.
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Моя жизнь делится на два периода: до 20 лет я ничего не помню; потом следуют годы, о которых я предпочитаю забыть.
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Ничего не поделаешь – то мы предаемся любви, то любовь предает нас.
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Кино — это полная противоположность театру. Фильмы надо смотреть сразу, как только они выходят на экран, потому что потом можно только разочароваться, тогда как на спектакли лучше идти как можно позже, ни в коем случае не в начале ( генеральные — это кошмар, актеры играют хуже
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То, к чему я стремлюсь, весьма туманно и не поддается определению, это — свободная жизнь
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Любопытная симметрия: Людо не хватает духа уйти от жены, а у меня не хватает духа завести себе жену. Мы две оборотные стороны одной медали по имени мужчина. Который не в состоянии сделать две вещи: уйти и остаться.
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Откуда ей знать, что наличие у меня бабок еще не свидетельствует о наличии мозгов?
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В нашем скоростном мире люди готовы платить за созерцание неподвижности.
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Мужики все чаще симулируют в постели. Пора бы девушкам это усвоить. Мы имитируем оргазм так же часто, как они. Феминизм одержал очередную победу: мужчины и женщины равноправно ломают комедию наслаждений.
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Я люблю иронию без цинизма, трезвость мысли без нигилизма, загул без чувства вины, вежливость без лицемерия, радость без позерства, щедрость без благотворительности, ночь без одиночества, улицы без машин, счастье без скуки и беспричинные слезы.
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Все так чудесно в пяти сантиметрах от лица женщины, которую, может быть, сейчас поцелуешь. С этой точки лучше не сдвигаться. Продолжение явно будет не так невинно.
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Кризис пятидесятилетних у меня наступил за двадцать лет до сорока.
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Она ругает меня, потому что любит, а я вежлив с ней, потому что разлюбил ее.
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Клер внезапно взяла трубку.- что случилось? что ты тут забыл?
— тебя.
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Теперь у меня есть цель в жизни — сделать эту женщину счастливой.
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Писатель, повторяющий одну и ту же фразу, был бы мудрецом. Все наши беды от того, что мы не хотим повторяться. Как будто истин несколько.
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Вот три фразы, которые следует произносить при разрыве с женщиной: «Я от тебя ухожу», «Между нами все кончено» и «Я тебя разлюбил». Пока они не произнесены, все еще поправимо.
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Мы бежим от одиночества, вместо того чтобы сознаться себе, что у нас нет другого выбора.
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Если сердце не бьется, так пусть хотя бы голова кружится.
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Она произошла в моей жизни. Со мной редко кто-то случается.
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Чтобы снять телку, главное не уступать ее бесконечному «нет». Никто из великих плейбоев не страдает излишним самолюбием, зато им свойственна невыносимая легкость танков. У них на «нет» свой ответ. Они берут измором.
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Чем больше я зарабатываю, тем беднее становится моя жизнь.
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Сложность не в том, чтобы ответить на вопрос, зачем мы живем, а в том, чтобы не задавать его.
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Что свидетельствует о том, что человек разбогател? Постоянные жалобы на жизнь.
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Мастурбировать-значит заниматься однополой любовью с самим собой.
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Если бы я познал вселенскую любовь, я бы никогда не смог ее описать.
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Любовь — это такая музыка, которая делает верность естественной.
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Все мои признания в любви происходят либо раньше времени, либо слишком поздно. Потому что я говорю «Я люблю тебя» только чтобы склеить или утешить.
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Когда вам не дают роли, которую вы заслуживаете, надо написать ее самому.
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Франсуаза впервые в жизни выпила водки. Она поняла, в чем смысл алкоголя, и клеила всех напропалую.
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Нежелание спать со мной еще не свидетельствует о большом уме.
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Когда мальчики целуют девочек, им кажется, что это очень-очень важно.
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Я любил ее до того, как полюбил, люблю и после. Я недостаточно любил ее между «до» и «после».
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Мне хотелось, просто-напросто, чтобы у меня ныл живот, когда я думаю о ком-то.
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Как в сущности, легко испортить хорошие отношения — достаточно сказать: «Я тебя люблю».
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Я любил ее за ее прихоти, недостатки, причуды. Я разлюбил шикарных телок. Мое сердце отдано нескладёхам.
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Жизнь — это долгий уик-энд с бокалами бурбон-колы и песнями Барри Уайта.
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Влюбленые задыхаются в двух случаях-когда любят и когда их разлюбили.
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По-моему, мне надо перестать думать. Я долго думал, прежде чем пришел к этому заключению.
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Все-таки есть на свете справедливость: женщины кончают с большим кайфом чем мы, зато реже.
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А я-то считал, что хочу быть единственным в своем роде! Не хочу быть единственным в своем роде; все такие.
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Мужчины и женщины в равной степени западают на тех, кто не обращает на них внимание.
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Бежать, нестись не переводя дыхания. А потом, в один прекрасный день, остановиться и сказать ей, глядя прямо в глаза: мне нужна только ты, честное слово. И поверить в это.
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Неминуемая катастрофа: Земля погибнет, это раз. Непоколебимая уверенность: я тоже умру, это два. Вопрос на повестке дня: кто первый? Земля или я? Лучше бы Земля, потому что тогда и я там тоже буду. Если уж подыхать, так с музыкой. Любя себя я очень рассчитываю на конец света. Не исклю
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Меня ломает не твое отсутствие. Это ломка по тому времени, когда меня без тебя не ломало.
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В ночных клубах надираются, чтобы кадриться, и результат на лицо: клеишься ко всем бабам подряд, потому что застенчивость тонет в алкоголе. Проблема в том, что впоследствии в нем тонет и эрекция. Правительство ошибается, заявляя, что «злоупотребление алкоголем опасно д
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Настоящая свобода настает тогда, когда ты недоступен или вне зоны действия сети.
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Когда у меня начинается насморк, все думают, что я нюхаю наркотики. Вот что значит репутация.
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Сегодня я составил список того, что предлагает мне мир. Раз, два и обчелся. Но мира как такового мне хватит.
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«Люди счастливы бывают только в преддверии счастья.» Я вычитал эту фразу в «Новой Элоизе». Обожаю непонятные фразы.
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Любовь делает тебя непобедимым. Невозможно сдерживать влюбленного человека: не вздумайте вставать у него на пути.
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если б мы умерли нам бы не удалось пожаловаться на жизнь.
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Я пережил страшные минуты, я страдал, вкалывал, терпел поражения, меня унижали и валяли в грязи, вытирали об меня ноги, но никто никогда не узнает, как мне тяжело было просто ТЕБЕ НЕ ПОЗВОНИТЬ. Разлюбить еще труднее чем бросить пить.
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Бумага плюс ручка равняется Литература. Меня всегда поражало, как такими скудными средствами можно создать такие великие шедевры. На телевидении все наоборот.
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Держу пари, что любовь невозможна. Выиграв, я ничего не выигрываю. Проиграв теряю все.
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Страх одиночества и боязнь смерти — вот причины, по которым я тусуюсь по вечерам.
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Попытка увековечить чувства — полное безумие, у них есть срок годности, как и у нас самих. Всему приходит конец, а мы не хотим с этим смириться. Страдание прибавляет ему вдохновение.
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Мы думаем, что знаем, чего хотим. А на самом деле наши желания нам больше не принадлежат. Реклама побуждает нас делать то, что, в общем-то, мы делать не собирались. Так, в конце концов, мы начинаем жить чужой жизнью.
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Утонченная шутка недели: знаете ли вы, какая разница между женщиной, у которой месячные, и террористом? С террористом можно договориться.
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Бабы и так круче нас, но если у них вдобавок есть еще и чувство юмора, нам вообще крышка.
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Бельгийцы говорят «уметь» вместо «мочь». «Я не умею этого делать» означает «Я не могу этого делать». Поэтому для них импотент просто неумеха.
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Если вашу мечту легко осуществить, значит это фигня, а не мечта.
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Я, кажется, омерзительно влюблен. Я не знал тебя, но узнал тут же.
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Прошлое миновало, будущее неопределенно: мы задыхаемся в вечном настоящем наших утех
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Короче, когда ты изменяешь жене, есть два варианта: либо ты останешься с ней, но ничего не получается, либо ты её бросаешь и ничего не получается всё равно.
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До меня наконец дошло. Чтобы снять телку, главное — не уступать её бесконечным «нет». Большинство знаменитых соблазнителей вполне среднестатистические парни. Просто они смиряются, когда их отвергают, но тут же снова лезут на рожон. Ни одна женщина не скажет «да» с первой попытки. Когда она пос
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Мы любим, только когда нас отвергают или ускользают от нас.
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Мы не хотим жить той жизнью, которую наши родители предусмотрели для нас. Мы тоже не прочь бы побунтовать, но слишком ленивы, чтобы кидать булыжники.
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Можно долгие годы искать что-то или кого-то и в конце концов прийти к выводу, что на самом деле ты искал самого себя.
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Вдалеке от дома я скучаю только по тебе. Ты моя единственная родина.
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Спрашиваю её, как дела. «Плохо», — отвечает она. Люблю людей, которые откликаются на формулы вежливости криком о помощи.
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Мы собираемся пожениться, хотя бы просто для того, чтобы купить замок, жить каждый в своем крыле и общаться исключительно через жутко раболепных лакеев.
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Именно склонность пускать слезу, вспоминая молодость, и выдает старперов, не так ли?
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Одноразовые романы печальны, но весьма приятны. Решаешься на жесты, к которым в обычной жизни идешь месяцами.
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Долгое время я ложился спать радостный. Теперь у меня нет времени даже на депрессию.
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В ту минуту, когда я начал писать эту фразу, я искренне думал, что смогу сказать что-то интересное, и вот к чему это привело.
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Издатели не читают книг: они их издают.Критики не читают книг: они их просматривают.
Вывод: никто, кроме писателей, книг не читает.
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Чтобы позлить Летицию из Лилля, я говорю, что буду трахать другую, думая о ней. Она нежно улыбается – как я ни стараюсь, мне не удается вывести ее из себя – и сообщает мне медовым голоском:- Лучше трахать ее, думая обо мне, чем трахать меня, думая о ней.
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По какому такому праву человек считает, что может делать все, что захочет, под тем лишь предлогом, что ему 2 года?
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Как обычно в выходные, Людо взывает о помощи (ну, еще бы, Пенелопа-то занята. (Я рассуждаю как ворчливая брошенная любовница) В трубке слышу жужжание спортивной машины.- Вруууум!
— Ты смотришь «Формулу-1»?
— Врууум! Нет, просто моя дочка включила телевизор, а он стоял на канале «Моторы», потому что вчера вечером мы с мадам курили косяки и смотрели XXL.
— Ну, и вы того?
— Нет, Элен уснула, а я подрочил в простыни, как всегда по пятницам.
— Семейная жизнь-это сказка.
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Клер позвонила! Клер позвонила! Клер позвонила! Я уже совсем дошел до ручки, как баба какая-то. Мне удалось притвориться равнодушным.
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Почему я люблю эту женщину? Потому что она full options.
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Обращение к промышленникам и политическим деятелям всего мира: будьте так добры, оставьте планету в таком состоянии, в котором она была, когда вы на нее попали.
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Я противник счастья. Надо будет организовать демонстрацию против счастливчиков. Депрессушники с вытянутыми рожами пройдут в молчаливом марше, потрясая лозунгами: «Нет – радости жизни! », «Долой счастье! », «Гедонизм? Спасибо, не надо! »
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Рассказы пишут, когда нет времени на романы. Статьи пишут, когда нет времени на рассказы. А когда нет времени даже на статьи, ведут дневник.
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Я сообщаю ей, что веду дневник. Она советует мне прочесть «Дневник Бриджит Джонс», а я отвечаю, что ей следует проштудировать «Дневник обольстителя». И обещаю по ее возвращении вступить с ней ПСБП (половые сношения без предохранения).
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В последнюю минуту перед взрывом кто-нибудь влюбится, и мир будет спасен.
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. Никогда не понимал, почему надо ограничиваться в многоточии тремя точками, когда можно поставить целую дюжину, чтобы утяжелить непристойный подтекст.
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После ужина мы прошлись по парижским мостовым, дул теплый ветерок, я слегка попунцовел и, чтобы поддержать разговор, предложил ей выйти за меня замуж. Во ***к!
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Наш экономический эгоизм стал образом жизни. Как блеснуть в живом разговоре, лицом к лицу с собеседником, если привык тратить минут пятнадцать на письменный ответ? Виртуальность — наше спасение.
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Мне худо, но никто не понимает, потому что я сохраняю хорошую мину при плохой игре.
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На свадьбе она шепнула мне с очаровательной коварностью, во всем блеске невинной жестокости: «Как жаль, что я так счастлива С тобой я могла быть так несчастна»Я остался стоять с открытым ртом.
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Я напиваюсь от бессилия. Люди входят в мою жизнь и выходят из нее, как из вращающейся двери отеля «Плаза-Атеней».
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Даже если мужики и хотят трахнуть всех баб, это еще не значит, что они не могут полюбить, и слава богу, потому что это самое прекрасное, что есть в нашем раздолбанном обществе
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Когда-то мужеско-женские отношения выражались следующим образом: «Добрый вечер, барышня, как поживаете, я нахожу, что вы потрясающе выглядите, не могу ли я вам предложить чего-нибудь игристого?» А теперь: «Встань, сучка, покажи свой стринг, задери майку, чтоб я
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Бог все очень плохо устроил. Бэбики должны смеяться, приходя в этот мир.
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Когда люди расстаются на море, это значит, что они, в самом деле, друг друга не выносят. Попытка увековечить чувства – полное безумие, у них есть срок годности, как и у нас самих. Всему приходит конец, а мы не хотим с этим смириться.
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По-моему наоборот: трахаться не так сексуально, как танцевать медленный танец. Поцелуй в шейку лучше вагинального туда-сюда-обратно. Рука в волосах прекраснее плевка спермы в резинку от «Durex».
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Она пожала мне руку. Пожала ладонь. Пожала локоть, бицепс, плечо, подбородок. Ее губы коснулись моих. Я ослеп, оглох, онемел. Я был рожден ради этого мгновенья.
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«Телевидение сводит с ума, но я лечусь»: телевидение сводит с ума, если ты больше ничем не занимаешься. Лучшее лечение – не сидеть на одном месте. Я, пострел, везде поспел, и в этом мое спасение.
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ДВД – Декольте Великолепное от ДиораУКВ – Удивительно Красивый Взгляд
NB – Нижний Бар
ДНК – Днем Не в Кайф
ТВ – Тусанемся Вместе
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Что такое мужская дружба? Петушиный бой? Ревнивое влечение? Скрытое соперничество? Одиночество в компании? Платоническая гомосексуальность? Конкурс пенисов? Тайна сия велика есть. Или нет.
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Люблю омаров на гриле, травку-отравку, пирожки с пляжным песком, абрикосовые сиськи и людское горе.
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